cereal robots ario's ubercoolisch blog

Disagreements and yin over yang

Not too long ago,  I took a barefoot running clinic with one of its main gurus, Barefoot Ted.  I've been meaning to post my thoughts about barefoot running, but that's not what this post is about.

It's about something Ted mentioned during the clinic that took all of a few seconds to say and it's been one of the most profound lessons I've learned in a long time.

Towards the end of our clinic, Ted was describing how he handles it when he encounters funny looks or disparaging comments about his decision to run sans footwear (or in funny looking shoes).  Instead of going through a full diatribe with stats, facts, and figures on why barefoot is better... he uses more of a "whatever floats your boat" attitude.  Paraphrasing... "I use a little yin instead of more yang... making a joke about it can actually diffuse things way better than arguing."

As soon as he said that, it resonated with me and now I  keep it mind whenever a disagreement arises.  Obviously in certain situations and depending on who you're talking with, convincing the other person that you are right is incredibly important.  There are lots of books written about persuasion and of course debate competitions that turn skillful arguing into a game.

But not all situations require you to win the other person over.  By trying to convince others that you are right, you may actually do irreparable damage to your relationship and get them to dig in even deeper.

The wise Dale Carnegie has a time-tested way of diffusing even the thorniest disagreement with one simple sentence...

"I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let's examine the facts."

Most arguments aren't over facts... so what should one do when it's a matter of opinion?  I think these are the ideal times to throw in some of that yin Ted referred to.  If someone makes a definitive statement like "I hate chocolate... I really don't see why so many people like it"... responding with, "That's insane, how can you not like chocolate!?!" may just make you sound like a judgemental asshole.

Making fun of the situation by responding with something like, "Well, that means there's just more chocolate for me!" works well because you just demonstrated that:

• You're not interested in converting them
• You acknowledge they've probably thought through why they feel that way for some time (so you're not insulting their intelligence)
• It may show that you value the relationship more than showing how smart or right you are
• It'll probably save you time since you can move on and talk about something else
• On the reverse psychology angle... maybe it'll get them to consider your position even more since you displayed confidence by not feeling the need to persuade

I can see the fruits of this now because up until Ted said that, I was more likely to be the person who would try to "out logic" others which rarely ever worked.  I pick and choose my battles more effectively now and would like to think I've salvaged some relationships too.

Arguing can be really fun sometimes, but that's completely dependent on who it's with and what your relationship is like.  I know couples where their main form of interacting is by arguing and that works for them.  We all have super-opinionated co-workers who love o broadcast their provocative opinions all the time.  It can be fun having a back n' forth with them, but I think in a lot of cases, it's better to stop and think for a sec about the yin approach and maybe you can completely flip the direction of where things were headed.  Perhaps this is all super obvious and I'm just the last one to know... but I am curious to hear how other people think about handling disagreements... get to commenting below!